All my Sins
by SimplyLauro
Summary: LukeMara fic. Mara struggles with the possibility that she's lost Luke forever after some heated words. Part 2 focuses on Luke...3 is on the way.
1. Chapter 1

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Disclaimer—Star Wars is copywrite its respective owners. "Dirty Little Secret" is written and preformed by Sarah McLachlan. All I did was create a situation.

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Note—This doesn't take place in any real part of the Star Wars universe. It's after Callista left, but other than that it's pretty freestanding. Please enjoy and don't hesitate to leave your opinion. Welcome to my very first songfic

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All my Sins

Mara Jade sat in the darkness of her Coruscant apartment, her fingers curled around a glass of a rather strong brand of spirits, and shook her head. The fire in her emerald green eyes had died, her fight gone, her shoulders slumped and her thoughts in a painful whirl. Her shields were tightly clutched against her, more out of defense than anything else. A tear fell—when was the last time she'd cried?—and Mara knew that it was over this time.

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//If I had the chance to love

I would not hesitate

To tell you all things I never said before

Don't tell me it's too late.//

It had been two days ago. She gone to see Luke Skywalker, to welcome him back to Coruscant and threaten him within an inch of his life to insure he'd think twice before taking another suicide mission for the New Republic. Things had rapidly spun out of control from there.

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Two Days Previous

Mara shoved her blaster into its holster, trying to tell herself she was angry with the Jedi Master but knowing that wasn't the case. She was frustrated with him to be sure, but too relieved he hadn't done anything stupid to be really angry. With a tug, she had her boot on and was ready to meet him on the landing pad. She hoped her outfit—the black, skin tight leather she'd been wearing the day they met—would clue him into the fact that he was in deep water with her. They'd nicknamed it her 'death threat outfit,' since she always seemed to be giving him ominous warnings while wearing it.

"And you're in for it this time, Son of Vader," she snapped to herself, fighting against the maddening urge to run all the way to the landing pad. There was no way she'd ever run to Luke Skywalker, ever. Calmly, with all the grace she could muster, she walked slowly down the hall, maintaining a level of shields which masked her thoughts but not her presence. Oh no, she wanted Skywalker to know what was waiting.

She made it to the landing pad as his ship touched down and strode forward while he ran through the ship's shutdown sequence. Normally that part took the Jedi seconds, but through their bond, Mara could sense sheepish hesitation. She'd had the desired effect then. Finally, after a short delay, the ship's hatch opened and the Jedi Master walked down the ramp, a grin lightening his features. The second maddening urge of the day sprung up as Mara wrestled down the reflex to smile back. Luke often had that effect on her. He looked a bit paler, however, and his movements were a little stiff, but there was a twinkle in his eyes that called to her, making her fingers itch to touch him, and his eyes told her how glad he was that she was there. Though her frustration was rapidly evaporating in response—_damn him!_—she put on the face anyway.

"Skywalker," she started as he came to a halt just two feet in front of her, finger poking him squarely in the chest, "don't you _ever_—"

That was as far as she got before he'd latched his arms around her and lifted her clean into the air. Before she could demand that he put her down so she could get to her blaster, he swung her around twice and laughed out loud.

"Knock it off, Jade—we're both in too good a mood," he told her. She sputtered, knowing his display of uncanny perception should have, in pervious times would have, annoyed her, but he was right; she _was_ in too good a mood.

"Another brush with death, Jedi Skywalker?" she asked as he set her down. She took two long steps back to reestablish distance, something that didn't escape his notice. He shrugged sheepishly, which she knew by now meant 'yes,' and offered that unabashedly boyish grin. It was a smile he only ever flashed her way, something that made her acutely uncomfortable. There were a lot of things Luke Skywalker only was with her, and she was learning more about him everyday. This was the happiest she'd seen him since Callista's abrupt departure, and against her better judgement, she decided to indulge him in his good mood. Just a few years ago that would have been unthinkable, but since then he'd wormed his way past her defenses and lodged himself firmly in her heart.

Wordlessly he reached for her hand, and wordlessly she accepted. What had followed was an evening of invigorating saber fights, comfortable banter, playful competition over a dejarik board, one of his surprisingly good meals, and then they retreated to the balcony to take in the view. It was nothing they hadn't done before, but the whole evening was charged with an energy that Mara had never felt before, especially with him. As the stood on the balcony, something clicked between them, something that was long out of place. He turned to look at her, his blue eyes strangely bright, and then he dipped closer and they shared a kiss—probably the sweetest, most eye-opening and amazing kiss that Mara had ever experienced, as overly-romantic as that sounded.

He'd pulled back after that first kiss, searching her gaze, and when he didn't find any hint of protest, in fact finding only passion, he began kissing her in earnest.

One thing had, as they say, led to another. Mara hadn't even realized how badly she had wanted this intimacy with Luke, how much she needed him both physically and emotionally. Despite all the reasons it shouldn't work, all the reasons Mara should have left right after their evening meal, everything seemed right for the pair.

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Then they'd ruined it late yesterday. In retrospect, though she couldn't remember exactly _what_ the fight had been about this time, she knew it had come down to Luke and Callista. That was a path that she never should have tread. In the end, stupid and cruel words had been spat out with more viciousness than ever before. They'd never reached this level of hostility, not even when she was hell-bent on killing him. He'd thrown up his barriers harder and faster than ever before, and the sensation was like a physical blow. Then he'd told her point blank to get the hell out, his blue eyes stormy with rage and agony.

Which left her in the dark on her own, lost in regret. He'd blasted off planet without a word and had cloaked himself from her so completely that, had they not been so close, would have made her wonder if she'd simply made him up. No trace of his brilliant presence in the Force remained. The complete absence of him, the silence over their bond, forced her to think about things she only wanted to run away from.

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//Don't tell me it's too late

'Cause I've relied on my illusion

To keep me warm at night

And I've denied in my capacity to love

But I'm willing to give up this fight.//

She'd tried to get to him, to admit to them both the thing she'd been running from since the moment she'd met him. Throwing everything into the effort, she tried to wrap herself around the presence she knew was there, tried to make him hear.

_/Luke,/ _ she'd sent, /_I love you./_

There was no answer. He remained stonily cut off from her.

_/I'm sorry, Luke…I'll stop fighting this. I didn't mean to hurt you, I was afraid of needing you. But I do need you./_

That had been only moments ago, but every second felt like a day, and he hadn't responded yet. She lifted the glass and drained it, then poured herself another, hoping listlessly that the burn of the liquor would purge the pain away. So far, it hadn't worked.

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//Stayed up all night drinking to drown my sorrows down

But nothing seems to help me since you've gone away

I'm so tired of this town where every tongue is wagging

When every back is turned

They're telling secrets that should never be revealed

There's nothing to be gained from this but disaster.//

Coruscant had been up all night, Mara knew, immersing themselves in the "Skywalker Scandal." They'd been watched—they should have known they were being watched at the time—and the minute they'd retreated to his room, their relationship had exploded over the holonet. Apparently the public had been waiting for this to happen for a long time. All that day before the fight, broadcasts of the political implications of their relationship were being debated, theories of a drunken night of pleasure to him paying off a debt to it being a bribe to keep his mouth shut about unscrupulous actions in her speckled past. Then, after the fight, it seemed to everyone that there was a scandal going on and they'd been the topic of discussion on every channel since. No doubt Luke had heard, no matter where in the galaxy he was. He'd probably be too embarrassed to return, since all of his sins had so far been dissected. This was the biggest transgression so far, at least for the public, and he'd only come back to gossip, lies, and agonizing memories of their disastrous night. Nothing remained secret with him, especially not his failures and mistakes.

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//Here's a good one

Did you hear about my friend

He's embarrassed to be seen now

'Cause we all know his sins.//

Mara's eyes peered through the darkness. Fifteen minutes had passed since her last, desperate attempt to reach him. There had been no answer. Slowly she pulled herself up, leaving the empty glass behind, and dragged herself listlessly to bed. With one last glance toward the breathtaking view of the city, she turned into her bedroom and shut the door on what might have been.

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//If I had the chance to love

I would not hesitate

To tell you all things I never said before

Don't tell me it's too late

'Cause I've relied on my illusion

To keep me warm at night

And I've denied in my capacity to love

But I'm willing to give up this fight.//

As she drifted to sleep, so gently she almost thought she'd imagined it, an unseen hand smoothed her hair back. Hoping against hope, afraid to breathe lest she realize it had been nothing more than a dream, Mara let herself slide into dreams.

//Oh I am willing to give up this fight.//


	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer—Star Wars is copywrite its respective owners. "Stupid" is written and preformed by Sarah McLachlan. All I did was create a situation.

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Note—To the reviewers: kayladie, SithKnight-Galen, Mara Skywhiner (lol, love the name!), _aniamifan1988__, __Kazzy__, and AdraLoran_, _thank you! It's always nice to hear that the writing is appreciated. I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations. This chapter deals with Luke. I've also in the process of picking a song for the 'reunion' chapter, which gets started next._

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Special Thanks: A huge thank you goes out to Kazzy, who has agreed to beta-read this for me. Kazzy, you're a lifesaver!

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All my Sins

Part 2

The apartment was as dark and lonely as it had been when he'd left, and suddenly he wanted to turn and run again. The memories dredged up by the untouched apartment made Jedi Master Luke Skywalker feel choked and sore. But he forced himself forward into the mostly-bare room, fought his way into his bedchambers, and made himself face what had happened such a short time ago. 

It was just as it had been when he'd stormed out weeks ago—the sheets still strewn about, his clothes in their undignified pile by the closet, his towel thrown haphazardly over the back of a chair. Running a hand through his hair, avoiding the thought of just how much damage had been done to his relationship—whatever that now was—with Mara, he settled down onto his bed and closed his eyes. 

How much had happened in his absence? Did she hate him? Was she even still on-planet? His whole perspective had changed while he'd been away, but how to talk to her? He was afraid he'd lost her, but more afraid of her retaliation should he decide to see her. 

He glanced out of the window into the well-lit blackness of the Coruscant night. He knew that he was using the late hour as an excuse not to face her. Still, he couldn't seem to make himself stand up and make the trip to Mara's apartment, no matter how badly he wanted to beg forgiveness. That left him alone, aching for morning but fearing the absence of night.

_//Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning_

But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy

Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong

And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes.//

He knew he was exhausted, he could feel the weariness in his muscles. He felt drained from keeping his shields up. Drained from sorting out his feelings and organizing his thoughts. Drained from the endless squabbles with Mara. But for one reason or another, he couldn't sleep. 

It had been that way since the fight, and he'd had to use the Force to rest his body when the need for sleep overwhelmed him. It was worry and pain that kept Luke up at night.

Love had never come easily for him, though he always threw his whole soul into it. Mara was his match in every way; by all reason it _should_ work with her. But it didn't. He'd left in such a rage, reeling from the agony in his soul—agony that she'd wrought. But perhaps it wasn't all her fault. Still, even now the pain rose when he remembered her words, spat so thoughtlessly such a short time ago.

"Was it even me you were sleeping with, Skywalker?" she'd asked in scorn when the fight had deteriorated to his past loves. "I don't think so. You were making love to her. She's gone! She never loved you, ever, and yet even now you cling to her memory! Well I'm not Callista, Luke!"

Worse words—far worse words—breached from those harsh accusations. It was his own weakness that had made him flee, because at the time he'd been afraid that she was right—that Callista's false love still tainted everything, even his love for Mara. 

While he was gone, trying to discover if that was true, he insisted to himself that it had been a fool's dream to think he and Mara would work. They were no good for each other, a match in strength of will, but opposites in temperament and courses of action. She was too independent, too eager for a fight. He was too much the pacifist. And even as he was busy telling himself that—chanting it to himself in his head—her voice haunted him, her face tortured him, and his heart betrayed him.

_//How stupid could I be_

A simpleton could see

You're no good for me

But you're the only one I see.//

Even now, even though there was no longer even a flicker of hope for them to fix this, his soul still sought her. He still reached for the pure, powerful light that was her existence. He'd been stupid and foolish before to think he could live without it. But he'd also stayed away too long. He'd fled when the situation called for patience, honesty, and diplomacy. His past failures at love made him scared. The thought of risking Mara had thrown him over the edge.

But what to do now? Everything in him begged for him to call out for her, to stretch out and touch her Force sense, to run to her apartment and take her into his arms and beg. He felt so empty and worthless without her. They'd made such a perfect team without realizing it.

_//Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I foundered_

Unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer

And you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create

An oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone

You leave me here burning in this desert without you.//

For several long moments, Luke sat in the dark with agonized thoughts, not noticing his tears. He didn't think he'd ever have to feel this kind of misery again, not after Callista. He'd been so determined to finish his life alone. Yet Mara had always brought out the extremes in his personality. Normally those extremes were anger or joy or frustration, never pain. And she'd always come around before. She'd always contacted him to let him know that they were okay, even if she couldn't apologize. This time she'd stopped trying after the first few hours, after he'd been a fool and ignored her calls.

He'd reached out to her through the Force during moments where she was sure to be unable to notice. Usually while she was sleeping, so the brief touch was more like a dream than reality. The first night as she drifted into slumber, he tried to gage her feelings. But they were so chaotic he settled with soothing her as much as he dared. Had she felt it? He didn't know. He'd kept himself cloaked from her at all times, unable to face her pain since he was unable to bear his own. He could hear her in mind's ear, chastising him for taking the coward's way out. Blasting off-planet was more her style than his.

Which reminded him…was Mara even on planet? It would be easy to check, but if she sensed him and came to confront him…

He wasn't sure he was ready for that.

_//How stupid could I be_

A simpleton could see

That you're no good for me

But you're the only one I see.//

After a long moment's hesitation, Luke opened himself to the Force. Her presence was breathtaking in intensity. He'd been craving this like a starved man, hoping for this while the rest of his world crumbled. He focused on that shining light, trying to keep control of his tempest of emotions, and nearly broke into tears once more. She was on Coruscant. Was there still hope, then?

_//Everything changes, everything falls apart_

I can't stand to feel myself losing control

In the deep of my weakness I know.//

Even as he pulled back, he felt Mara's own Force sense, aware of his and seeking to pin him down. There was a surge of emotions, too short and intense for him to recognize, and he slipped from her grasp to regroup. For better or worse, he knew now what he had to do. He opened his eyes, tightened his shields, and freshened up as best he could. With a deep breath, he faced the door.

_//How stupid could I be_

A simpleton could see

That you're no good for me

But you're the only one I see.//

Pulling himself together, Luke Skywalker made the longest, possibly hardest journey of his life. 


	3. Chapter 3 Conclusion

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Disclaimer--Star Wars is copywrite its respective owners. "Answer" is written and preformed by Sarah McLachlan. All I did was create a situation.

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Note--To the reviewers; Bjrn Fallgvist, Kazzy, Ash D., hewgleymom, AdraLoran, and SkyBlueSw, thank you so much again! I hope you enjoy this final chapter. I really loved writing this fic for you guys!

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Kazzy--Thank you for beta-ing chapter 2. I'd love to work with you again in the future. I would have sent this one to you but I was in a bit of a rush with school starting and all. Thanks again!

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All my Sins

Part 3

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He stood before her almost sheepishly, and Mara Jade felt weeks of pain begin to ebb at the sight of those downcast blue eyes. She never been able to stay mad at Luke Skywalker for long, but that didn't mean she was going to make this easy for him. Oh no, it would be far from easy. She intended to make him pay as soon as she quelled the urge to pull him into her arms and not let him go. Another urge, almost as strong as the first, demanded she slug him good and hard before shutting the door in his face. It was no less than he deserved. She stepped forward as if to do just that, but he lifted those tired, tortured blue eyes to her green ones, and he let her fell the extent of his regret. Gently, tentatively, he let his love wash over her Force sense.

"Mara," he said simply, "I'm sorry."

Those words burned into her. She watched Luke watching her, saw the faint flicker of hope in his eyes begin to waver, and couldn't manage to answer.

"Please, Mara. I can't take back the words I spoke that night, but I can't bear the thought of losing you. I'll wait, if that's what it takes, but please don't leave me." He reached for her, stopping just short of actually touching her, and waited.

_//I will be the answer at the end of the line_

I will be there for you while you take the time

In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground

I will hold your balance if you can't look down.//

For years Luke had been the only solid thing in her life, and Mara--though she hated to admit it even to herself--was scared of losing him.

Luke felt himself start to falter as her silence stretched on. He tried to convey all the promises he wished to make her. He wanted her to run to him if she needed comfort, to look to him if she needed unspoken support. He wanted so badly to say it out loud, but words failed him at this critical moment.

He knew he'd wait for her to take him back--he'd wait his whole life if that's what it took to gain her forgiveness. He needed her like air, and it had been stupid of him to deny that fact. The universe would come to an end before his love for her would. Just standing there, so close to her shining light, eased his old wounds.

The wait would be worth it, even if it killed him. As Luke's crystal blue eyes bored into Mara's emerald ones, he knew that was a fact. Their love would continue to burn long after they'd journeyed to the next life. Did Mara know that? He didn't know how to make her see, and she was so silent. It scared him more than he cared to admit.

_//If it takes my whole life I won't break I won't bend_

It will all be worth it worth it in the end

'Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright.//

Mara finally stepped aside to admit him, wondering if that was the right thing to do. He'd always caused her such pain, but there had been the promise of joy in his darkened eyes. He looked as if their separation had been just as hard on him as it had been on her. His eyes were dulled and shadowed, his shoulders slumped as if something was weighing down his body. There were lines around his mouth and his face was pale from exhaustion. Normally, in happier days, she would have teased him about needing a dip in a bacta tank, but pain stayed her words.

He moved past her slowly, understanding the great boon she'd just bestowed him. He was silent, unable to convey his gratitude in petty words. Luke had never been an orator, he was a man of action. He touched her hand, a brief moment of contact that sent a jolt up Mara's arm.

She stared at him, wondering how he always managed to break through her self-imposed shell. He'd always stirred her, inspiring the most passionate of responses--hate, fear, loyalty and love. He was the one person in the galaxy with the most cause to hate her, and the one person in the galaxy who knew that and loved her completely anyway.

They moved shakily into the living room, absorbed in their own worries, observations, and tortured thoughts. Then, as if it had all taken more out of Luke than he had to give, he dropped to his knees and drew her to him. His cheek rested against her navel as his arms wound around her waist. Her fingers instinctively found his hair; soothing when she wanted to yank, smoothing when she wanted to tear.

"It's been so hard, Mara," he whispered, his breath catching on a dry sob. "Especially at night, when there was nothing to do but think."

The nights had been unkind to both of them then…She closed her eyes as another wave of remembered pain crested over her.

"Take this pain from me. Only you can do it."

Were they his words or hers? So close were they to her thoughts that she wasn't sure. Luke lifted his eyes to her face, struggled to his feet. As her hands slid from his hair and he steadied himself, his left hand came up to cradle her cheek.

"You said you wouldn't fight this anymore. Well neither will I. I love you. It's always been you. Callista…" His voice was a hoarse whisper, and his eyes were bright in the darkness, and he trailed off as if searching for just the right words. "Callista could never compare. Not to you."

_//Cast me gently into morning_

For the night has been unkind

Take me to a place so holy

That I can wash this from my mind

The memory of choosing not to fight.//

She'd thought she'd burnt this need out of her long ago. She'd never looked into anyone eyes and wanted a family, she'd never seen the rest of her life in someone else's gaze. She'd never wanted to forgive instead of avenge, never wanted to be comforted instead of wanting to be fought. Mara had taught herself better than that, struggled against it all for too long.

And yet here she was, staring into the eyes of the most powerful man in the galaxy. He was laying himself on the line. This was more dangerous than any life-threatening mission for the New Republic. This was something different, something that could crush his soul. So much rested on her shoulders that Mara didn't know what to do. She was at a loss, like she so often was when dealing with the infuriating Jedi Master.

If she told him what her bleeding heart was whispering to her, it would be the rest of her life. There would be no turning back, no escape, no way to run if things got tough. She didn't like being backed in a corner, didn't want to be tied down. Even if Luke's eyes were as blue as the sky and held the offer of far more possibility, she didn't want to give up her precious freedom. Did she?

The depth of her feelings frightened her. Her existence had crumbled at his absence. She'd let him in, he'd grown to be a part of her. Like it or not, she needed him in her life.

Her lips parted as she attempted to speak, and the hope in those blue depths blazed to life. His arms moved back to her waist, the muscles tense with anticipation.

"Luke," was all she managed before those arms pulled her tight against him. Luke dropped his head to her shoulder and she could hear his whispered, grateful prayer. Fingers found her hair and tangled as hot tears fell to the skin of her neck. He was crying for her, and she felt her mouth go dry even as her own eyes filled with tears.

"Mara," he replied softly, and his lips found hers. It was a heartbreaking kiss, their lips barely whispering over each other's, a kiss that spoke of pain, regret, redemption. When they pulled away, Mara looked up into those blue eyes and dropped her shields one by one. Humbled by the gift he didn't think he deserved, Luke did the same.

"This will last longer than either of us," he whispered, his forehead dropping to hers. His breath caught at the sweetness of their reunion, and tears still shimmered in his eyes.

"You think so?" she asked, less convinced.

"I know so."

Her lips curved into a wry smile, her eyes drying as she began to comprehend the life she was in for. The Force worked in mysterious ways. "A vision, Master Skywalker?" she queried softly.

"Call it a gut feeling," he answered, his hands coming to her face.

_//if it takes my whole life I won't break I won't bend_

It will all be worth it worth it in the end

'Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

And when the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright.//

She caught his hands and let her fingers lace with his. Still smiling, she tugged him toward her bedroom. He allowed himself to be led, still shaking with relief.

"Come on, Skywalker," she murmured, "I think we could both use a nap."

And, chuckling, Luke sank down onto the bed beside her. "You know, Jade," he breathed into her hair as she curled up against him, "I think you're right."

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//Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind.//


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